1.) I was chastised by my husband for staring at him while he kissed me goodbye this morning. I have an unnerving (I’m told) habit of not closing my eyes when I kiss. Apparently my strange desire to see the person I’m kissing creeps people out. Whoops.
2.) A wretched respiratory virus gifted upon me by my son in mid-November turned into pneumonia in my lungs by Thanksgiving, lasted 4 weeks, and took 2 rounds of heavy duty antibiotics with side effects like “fainting” (which I did… in front of my son, unfortunately, which scared him) and “tendon rupture” (so far, so good) is finally, officially behind me. To celebrate my clear lungs, I went to the gym for strength training for the first time since I got sick weeks ago.
3.) The dude who SLAMS the weights down at the end of each rep was at the gym today. He makes all of the people on the cardio machines jump, turn around, and stare, yet he still does the rude gym move of dropping his weights really loudly. I crank my headphones up to help diffuse the banging, but he’s so loud he cuts through my rock music.
I contemplated talking to him one-on-one as a human, explaining that I have an anxiety disorder, and that there are a lot of people with PTSD (military, victims of violence, etc.) in the world who are extra jumpy and seek the gym for catharsis, not anxiety triggers.
I thought about showing him the bottle of Xanax I keep in my purse, and letting him know that I was going to have to take an extra one if I was going to stay in the gym because his unexpected and loud weight slamming was making me feel completely fight or flight and scared inside.
And then I decided he’s probably too stupid to understand any of that, because he’s in a gym to lift weights and build his muscles, yet is being lazy and cheating on the way down by dropping the weight instead of controlling it, which is half of the workout.
If he can’t even grasp the basic concept of “muscle goes up, muscle goes down, exercise happens both times,” then he probably can’t handle the complexities of human psychology.
So I cranked my headphones even louder and worked through it. Because sometimes exacerbating one’s tinnitus from playing in loud bands for 12 years is better than jumping in terror every 2-3 minutes. The more you know. (Insert: shooting star.)
4.) One of my New Year’s resolutions this year is to stop being so judgmental of other people, or rather, to stop imposing my psychological or emotional motivations and choices on others.
This year, I got super bummed out by the large amounts of pictures of Xmas gifts posted on Facebook because I worry about being too attached or obsessed with material possessions, and snarkily put up an old Fugazi song/video about materialism, writing above it: “You are not what you own.”
But I took it down. Because that’s my issue, I realized. My personal beliefs don’t mean I get to judge other people or decide what the holidays are about for them: It’s their money and their holiday, and they can celebrate it any damned way they please.
I truly believe that learning to not attach to material things has been one of the main lessons this lifetime has been trying to teach me, usually by ripping from my grasp everything material to which I become attached (via theft, divorce, destruction, and/or idiot ex-boyfriends who borrow my van to move their stupid hipster scooter, then leave said van in a 72 hour parking zone for more than 72 hours, thereby getting it towed and permanently stolen by the city of L.A. when I can’t afford to pay the expired tags, towing, storage and ticket fees… AHEM).
Anyhow… that’s my lesson, and what I believe is one of the things I’m supposed to be learning on my journey during this lifetime, but that doesn’t mean that particular lesson is necessarily on anyone else’s path. Or any of my lessons. So I want to stop trying to impose my lessons on other people. They have their own lessons to learn, and that’s their business, not mine.
Because of this realization, I decided I want to try to be less judgmental in all areas of my life, and not hold people to the standards to which I hold myself.
This is going to be hard for me.
My husband sometimes tells me when I’m griping about something that bothers me, “You’re so angry at people all of the time!”
And I generally reply, “That’s because people SUCK so much of the time! If they’d stop SUCKING all of the time, I’d stop being ANGRY all of the time!”
See what I mean?
But I didn’t say anything to that obnoxious dude at the gym today, so hey, it’s a start, right?
My personal 2014 motto:
Happy New Year, pals. xoxo.